This is the phase where tension starts to rise. The man becomes restless, critical, and downright irritable without any clear reason. She senses what's about to happen and may attempt to calm him down, but that's usually futile—and can sometimes even lead to a more intense situation. Being around the abuser during this time feels like tiptoeing around, as if she's walking on eggshells. Ultimately, she's caught in a lose-lose situation: if she tries to engage with him, he may see it as a challenge and explode; if she stays silent, he might interpret that as her pulling away and not giving him the attention he craves. The bottom line? He wants to exert control over her.

 

As his tension escalates, incidents of verbal and physical aggression begin, starting with yelling, slapping, and insulting names like "whore" or "slut." She might again attempt to soothe him, but he quickly catches on and escalates the situation further, using his tactics to make her feel powerless and unleash his anger. If she acts sweetly, he interprets it as permission to unleash more; if she stands up to him, it can be dangerous for her. This cycle can persist for days or even stretch on for years.

 

Some women become so anxious that they inadvertently do or say something that sets him off. It's important to clarify that the woman is not in control; rather, many victims feel that if they can just get through the upcoming violence, things might return to "normal."

 

This phase often kicks off during the victim's pregnancy, as the batterer feels threatened by the impending arrival of a new life and the potential loss of attention. While she recognizes his anger, she often struggles to understand why, leading her to blame herself and attempt to appease him. This is also when verbal abuse typically starts—an issue the couple really needs to address, but they rarely do. It’s quite common for the abuser to resort to breaking things, like putting his fist through a wall, in this high-tension environment. Furthermore, all the earlier patterns of non-physical abuse we've discussed come into play during this time.

He "loses control" and becomes violent. While some women face emotional cruelty, it's primarily physical violence that often puts their lives at risk. The anger is irrational and explosive, transforming the man into someone unrecognizable. Women often remark on how their husbands physically change: their eyes bulge, their pupils widen, and they radiate fury. Some men rage to the point of near unconsciousness, while others grow eerily calm as they wreak havoc on everything and anyone around them. Strikingly, these men are often the very citizens we admire—civic leaders and professionals who seem successful in public and "regular guys" who come off as gentle and kind.

 

It's crucial to understand that many women who kill their abusers do so before reaching this extreme. They act out of fear, believing their lives are in danger. However, the majority of women enduring abuse do not resort to killing, and most abusers do not take their victims' lives.

 

• His adrenaline surges

• He assaults her, hurling her against objects.

• All the signs of physical abuse we've talked about come into play during this phase.

After the violence, Mr. Hyde turns back into the charming Dr. Jekyll, leaving behind the psychopath to reveal a sweet and remorseful man. It’s hard to believe they are the same person. The traumatized woman, in a vulnerable state, becomes susceptible to his influence. While he appears kind, psychologists argue he’s actually manipulating her, deepening his control over her mind. He convinces her that only a devoted woman can endure his mistreatment, leading her to feel essential for his emotional stability. She believes her forgiveness will bring back the "real" man, thinking his violent side isn't his true self. In reality, his gentle demeanor is just a facade to drain her vitality. It’s crucial to recognize abusers for who they really are; they can harm defenseless women and even cause miscarriages or drive women to suicide.

 

The critical opportunity to escape arises early on or between the second and third phases. She must leave before he lures her back. The time between the "honeymoon" stage and the tension-building phase is often their only happy time together.

 

• The children are happy, making her departure incredibly hard. He shows no signs of violence. Their phone calls are full of affection, and he showers her with love, gifts, and attention, controlling her through this affection. "Don't spend time with your friends; stay with me," he says. 

• He's calculating and always present with her, preventing her from going out alone. His overwhelming remorse and affection lead her to believe it won’t happen again, and he feels the same. The victim often blames herself for his contrition, and they both try to reconcile. However, it’s just a matter of time before tension rises again, stemming from his feelings of losing control, repeating the cycle.

 

When an outburst happens, she might call 911, but by the time help arrives, he may have calmed down. The chaotic home and her distress complicate the situation. Who will the police believe? Without proper training on domestic violence, they might see a crying woman, a calm man, and a messy house. If children are present, they may also be upset. This underscores the need for education. Sometimes, instead of arresting the man, the police might take the woman into custody if he claims she was the aggressor. She could be told that insisting on his arrest may lead to her being taken in while her children are placed in foster care. Such cases happen, but education is making a difference.

 

You can take immediate action by researching your local police department's arrest policies and training programs. If there’s no domestic violence initiative, advocate for one. Write letters to the editor and discuss this issue with others. Law enforcement plays a vital role in combating violence, and they must be educated to ensure abusers are arrested when women seek help.