One of the most common questions people ask about victims of domestic violence is why many women decide to stay with men who harm them and their children. It’s a question we often find ourselves grappling with, too.

 

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) refers to a psychological phenomenon where victims of kidnapping or abuse start to develop feelings of sympathy and emotional attachment toward their captors. This term was coined by psychologist Nils Bejerot in 1973 after a high-profile robbery and kidnapping incident in Stockholm, Sweden. Interestingly, similar coping mechanisms have been observed in victims of domestic violence.

 

“Domestic” Stockholm Syndrome acts as a survival strategy in the face of ongoing intimate violence. Victims are constantly focused on their survival and how to navigate an environment they can't control. They often experience a sense of numbness, detaching from parts of themselves while still clinging to some reality to avoid complete disconnection. To cope, they tend to emphasize the occasional kindnesses of their abuser over the brutality, as high-stress situations can cloud their judgment. The abuser creates an atmosphere of emotional and physical domination, systematically breaking down the victim’s resolve through relentless threats of violence against her, her children, and loved ones. The victim believes she must remain with him to shield her family from the violence directed at her.

 

Isolation plays a critical role in the abuser’s tactic. By minimizing her exposure to any positive or alternative influences outside of fear and intimidation, he finds it easier to control and manipulate her. Over time, she may start to perceive herself through his eyes—as an object to be abused, feeling worthless beyond that role.

 

A woman experiencing “Domestic” Stockholm Syndrome becomes almost conditioned to accept his narrative. To her, he seems to hold the keys to her safety, her existence, and her ability to survive. Through constant emotional, psychological, and physical intimidation, she comes to the conclusion that her only option for survival is to remain loyal to him.

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"I praise you, Lord, for being my counsel; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me.

Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

- Psalm 16:7-8

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